Partner Experience Questionnaire Part II

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Your Name

Date

His / Her Name

How Long in Therapy?

Since starting therapy, has any new information come to light — things he has disclosed, details that emerged, or anything you discovered on your own?

Yes — he has disclosed new information voluntarilyYes — more details have come out, but only when I asked or pushedYes — I discovered something new on my ownNo — nothing new has come forwardI'm not sure — I don't know if what I have now is the full picture

If yes, briefly describe what came forward — you do not need to go into detail:

When details come forward — does he bring them, do you have to work to extract them, or has there been a time when he shared in a way that felt like too much, too fast — leaving you to carry it?

There is no right answer here. All of these are important for your therapist to understand.

He brings information forward on his own, without being askedHe shares when I ask directly, but rarely volunteersHe has shared in a way that felt overwhelming — too much detail, too fastHe gives partial information — enough to seem open, but not the full pictureHe is largely silent — I get very little from himHe has told me his therapist has advised him not to discuss details with me

Notes:

Has the pattern of learning more after you thought you had the full picture continued — where the truth keeps coming in layers?

Yes — this is still happeningIt has slowed down but I am not confident it has stoppedNo — things have felt more stable and consistentI genuinely don't know

If yes, describe what that has been like:

Does something still feel off — in his behavior, his patterns, his energy — or does it feel more settled and safer than before?

Things feel genuinely more settled — I feel safer than beforeThere are moments of safety, but something still feels offI find it hard to read — I'm not sure what to trustSomething still feels off — I cannot fully name it, but it is thereI have clear reasons to believe something is still happening

If there is anything to add:

From what you can observe, do you see him engaged in his own recovery work?

This is about what you can see — not what he tells you.

Yes — consistently. I can see evidence of active recovery workInconsistently — it comes and goesHe says he is doing the work, but I do not see evidence of itHe was, but has slowed down or stepped backNo — I do not see evidence of active recovery work

Notes:

When you try to talk about what happened or how you are feeling — what does he do?

He stays present, listens, and takes responsibility for his partHe is sometimes open and sometimes defensive — it depends on the dayHe becomes defensive, minimizing, or dismissiveHe shuts down, goes silent, or leaves the conversationHe turns it around — the conversation ends up being about my reactions instead

Has he taken genuine responsibility for what happened — the full scope of it, not just what you could prove?

Yes — fully, without conditions or justificationsPartially — but there are still justifications or context attachedOn the surface — the words are there but it does not feel genuineOnly when pressed — he does not bring it himselfNo — he has not taken meaningful responsibility

Is there anything you want to say about how this has shown up?

Is he taking accountability for his current behavior — not just the original acting out, but how he shows up in the relationship now?

Yes — he names and owns his current patterns without being askedSometimes — for some things but not othersRarely — accountability stays focused on the past, not what is happening nowNo — he does not acknowledge current dysfunction

Notes:

Are his actions matching his words — in real life, not just in session?

Yes — I can see the change in how he actually behavesSometimes — in some areas, not othersMostly not — the words are there but the behavior has not shiftedNo — there is a clear gap between what he says and what he does

Notes:

10.

Does he appear to genuinely understand the impact his behavior has had on you — and does he bring that awareness, or do you always have to carry it to him?

Who initiates conversations about impact — him or you? Do you find yourself repeating or re-explaining because it still is not landing?

He brings it — he initiates conversations about impact without me having to askHe engages when I bring it, but he does not initiateI always have to bring it — and even then it does not fully landHe says the right words but I do not feel he truly understandsHe is unable or unwilling to sit with what this has done to me

Notes:

11.

Does he use his own pain, shame, or helplessness in ways that shift the focus to him — leaving you managing his feelings instead of your own?

For example: "I hate myself," "I am such a terrible person," "I cannot help it," "I am the worst" — said in ways that end up requiring you to reassure or stabilize him.

Yes, regularly — I often find myself managing his emotional state instead of my ownSometimes — it depends on the conversationOccasionally — less than beforeNo — he holds his own feelings without placing them on me

Notes:

Minimizing

Does he still make the behavior — or its impact — seem smaller, less serious, or less important than it was or still is? For example: "It was only once in a while." "No one got hurt." "It wasn't that bad." "You're making this bigger than it is."